|
| Escape. Run away. These things are my saving grace; when no one in the world believes in me, no one in the world truely knows whats going on inside. I still war in my mind, between reality and fantasy; between perfection and normality. "I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul." Nothing seems to satisfy, nothing is ever enough when the standards I have established are so close to impossible they are always just one step away. Movement for the sake of movement has been my mantra even though I go to work, I sleep, I dream, I esacape. Can anyone honestly relate? Can anyone possibly understand? The truth is that no one can see the world through my eyes because no one has experienced what I have. Trust me, I am nothing special, I am nothing too far out of reach, but no one has my perspective because no one has lived my entire life bombarded with the thoughts in my mind. Everyone has their own perspective on life and the key to it all is to realize that to have it figured out you have to live life knowing that you dont have it figured out, and you may never. You can only rest with the knowledge that you are doing the best that can can under the circumstances. I beat myself up over my mistakes, I dwell on my imperfections and it kills me to know that I can never achieve what everyone expects of me; but being ok with that is one of the keys to happiness. I can only relish in the moment when I have exceeded my own expectations and no one can ever take that from me. Personal success is the key to happiness, I only wish that my standards for myself weren't so unreachable so that I can have success every day, instead of every once in a while. I am not a perfectionist by any means, I am simply the product of perfectionistic standards, in essence, a failure on all levels. So I can only pray the someone can save my from myself and the havocthat I inflict on my life and everyone around me. But please dont abandon me, I can't be alone. See the good, please see the positive, and see how hard I try, or at least how hard I try to try. Success is just one motivating thought away, perfection just one action away. | | |
| I inhale... and my ribs rattle and my breath quivers. I am scared. My life is a foreign film where everyone runs around in subtitles and I can't understand a word anyone says. I am duct taped to a little corner of my mind so I cant speak up against or interfere with the huge force that has taken over it, controlling my movements and speech. I find myself walking away or toward things I never wanted to get involved in but yet I have no control, I am powerless. My head is always somewhere above my body and my fingers dangling numb somewhere below my hands. I know I am not alone in feeling at odds with the world, one girl alone at war with humantiy and normalcy, but yet I cant stop loneliness from creeping in as the minutes slowly tick by as I watch my shadow slowly disappearing in the twilight.
So what if I chose a path that brought me around in a huge circle right back to where i started? Who says I didn't gain knowledge and lose inhibition along the way? What if we really all believed that all things really do work out for good according to God's will and that even through our sins we could make a change for the better? How great would we all be if we really had great faith? Let me know when you find out. Im searching again. I dont know what I'm searching for, but I'll know it when I find it. | | |
| Ive never felt so alone, so very alone. My body begs for rest, but I know it may be a far way from peace. A road close by calls me now, and on it lies a choice; and I wish I had the simple directions to navigate it's turns. Maybe the problem with everything is that we all have the simple, slep your forehead stupid answers right in front of us, but they're either too hard or too complicated for us to take hold of and utilize.
Please please, I beg you, swoop down and take me far away from here, far away from the consequential immeadiate and take me to a place of sunlight. Where my mind no longer worries, my stomach no longer spasms and knots and my feet no longer fall lifeless. Someplace where I feel pain on the outside, not immobilizing hurt on the inside. Freedom. Purity. Cute, boring love.
"Well you're just across the street, looks a mile to my feet... I wanna go to you... Funny how I'm nervous still, I've always been the easy kill. I guess I always will. Could it be that everything goes round by chance? Or only one way that it was always meant to be? You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say. I know what I should do but I just can't walk away. I can picture your face well from the bar in my hotel. I wish I'd go to you. I pick up put down the phone, like your favorite heat miser song goes: It's just like being alone... Oh God, please dont tell me this has been in vain! I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means. You kill me you've got some nerve but can't face our mistakes. I know what i should do but I just can't turn away. So go on, love. Leave while there's still hope for escape. You gotta take what you can these days. There's so much ahead and so much regret. I know what you wanna say. I know it but can't help feeling differently. I love you and I should have said it. But tell me just what has it ever meant? I can't help it baby this is who I am. I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how i feel. You kill me you build me up but just to watch me break. I know what i should do but I just can't walk away."
J.E.W.- Kill
What did I do to deserve this? I must have caused a world of pain. Have you ever sincerely thought the entire world's problems and troubles are all your fault? When you wake to find it raining outside and feel like you caused it? Have you ever wanted a new mind; a fresh start? Renew. Rework. Remake. For some reason I have a chance. | | |
| To feel too much for tears; to ache far beyond the threshold of an emotional release can only bring about signs of defeat. I stare blankly at the wall rather than kick wildly at it. Maybe this is a better way of reacting, maybe it's not reacting at all, but its bad when you want to cry and can't. Pray to God to give me back my tears? Be careful what you pray for. | | |
| How do I get back to where I was, who I was? | | |
|
